The post that might stop blogging

I use my blog mostly to vent. Fundamental to the venting process is moaning. Whinging. Complaining.

I’m torn as to whether this is a good thing for me or not.

On the one hand, it feels good to get things off my chest.

One the other hand, I wonder if it’s kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you’ve got a place that’s littered with moaning about things, then do you ‘seek out’ (for want of a better term) things, on some level, to fill that place?

Does it just facilitate wallowing?

Would I be able to move on from or get over things easier or quicker, if I spent less time banging on about them?

Back to the first hand, I do like writing. I like having a place to express myself. I like connecting with other bloggers, that’s for sure.

Perhaps the answer is to turn it into a space of positivity and successes. But then it really would be blank (fnar fnar).

No but seriously, I don’t know if reminding myself how pissed off/annoyed/sad I am about things is a good idea.

I’ve got my readers to think of as well. Both of them.

Maybe I’ll create a whole new blog. That appeals to me more than changing this one from what it is right now.

Who knows.

N x

The post that should set goals

What with it being the end of the year, I think it would be nice to set some goals for 2016.

The question is, should these be achievable goals? That way in 12 months time I can look back and say “yes, I achieved what I wanted to!”

Or should they be really hard so that in 12 months when I look back, I will and say “shit, I failed at everything” before launching into some hardcore depression and self-loathing.

I suppose maybe a mixture of the two would make sense. I think if you set yourself some that are relatively easy then that can give you the juice to keep going and have a crack at the hard ones.

Sometimes you just need a win.

I’m not sure it’s enough just to set a goal like “I wanna av loadsa dosh”, I think it needs to be more specific than that. For example, “I want to take a course so I can get a better paying job”.

I need to set tangible steps that are needed to achieve the goals. The end result.

  • Figure out how to balance maintaining my independence whilst not feeling so alone.

How can this be done? Is it even possible? It might require a change in attitude on my part. An acceptance that if I want to have a significant other then I’ll have to relinquish some of my independent ways. But this should only be for someone who’s worth it. How can figure this out? I don’t know yet.

  • Visit India

I’m not sure if this really counts since it’s already booked, so I’ll file this firmly under the ‘achievable goals’ category. How can I do this? Get on the plane, haha.

  • Be more confident (by putting myself ‘out there’ more)

I’ve never been a confident person. Always had low self-esteem. Never thought much of myself from a personal or professional point of view. But as I traversed my twenties, this lack of confidence gradually diminished. I think I started to give slightly less of a shit, that’s all.

But where I still really struggle (and this is quite an embarrassing thing to admit) is the idea that anyone can find me attractive physically. Even though there is actual concrete evidence to the contrary. It’s a weird neurosis I seem to have. I’ve had girlfriends and other, well let’s call them ‘short-term’ relationships.

But still, when I walk past a pretty girl and see her looking at me I instantly think it can only be because she can’t believe the level of grotesqueness I present. There’s no evidence for this. It’s all created in my head. At the same time, it could 100% be true and she really is thinking that.

I remember sitting on the tube once and I glanced up and this girl opposite caught my eye and smiled at me. 90 per cent of my brain thought she was laughing at me. The remaining 10 per cent was paralysed by fear. What a fucked up way to be thinking.

ANYWAY, how can I do this? Go out more. Let’s be specific. Attend a meet up like this one I attended earlier in the year once a month.

  • Be content with where I am living

This is a tricky one. I will have to sit down and weigh up what it’s worth giving up in order to obtain this. Is it worth spending more money on rent to have a nicer place?

Should I move further away from London where there’s more value for money? That would mean living further away from the 1 or 2 friends I occasionally go for a beer with and thus relieving me of the little social life I do have. Maybe that would be a good thing? Force me to go out more and tie in with the above goal.

How to achieve this? Evaluate, conclude and rank the most important things to me about where/how I live. And then act on it.

  • Do the top secret trip I have in my head that I’m not yet willing to reveal on this blog

This will involve saving up a considerable amount of money but it is EPIC and hence rather expensive. I’ve done the numbers though and it is indeed financially plausible. How to achieve this? Be careful with money. Be organised and plan things between now and July that are inexpensive (July is when I hope to begin the trip). And be patient.

And finally:

  • See my Dad

Because it’s already been 15 months since I saw him and I would like to do again. How to achieve this: Buy a plane ticket!

There. These are things that popped into my head during the course of writing this post. They weren’t carefully thought out or anything like that. I think that might be a good thing. They were just the things that were sitting there at the forefront of my mind.

Let’s see how I get on.

N x