The post that’s five months on

Five months have gone past since I last wrote a blog post.

Where has that time gone? It makes you think, doesn’t it?

Not much has changed with me. I’m alright.

How have you all been?

Thank you to the person (if you’re reading this) who wrote to me asking for an update. I only just read your message. Apologies for the delay.

I’ve got a roof over my head. Food on the table. Money in the bank.

I’m still working full time and studying part time.

I don’t really know where I’m going though. There’s no grand plan. No big target. Nothing I’m particularly trying to achieve. I’m trying to find a purpose in life really.

Something that makes me want to get up in the morning other than the knowledge that if I don’t I won’t be able to pay next month’s rent.

I was thinking about time and life. Five months have gone by and I suppose the reason nothing has much changed is because I haven’t really changed anything. The weeks fly by so so quickly. If I had a purpose then I would feel like the weeks were at least paving the road towards something.

But at the moment, they’re just flying by, I’m plodding along and that’s it. If my life were on TV, you’d have changed the channel by now!

I’m alright though. I’m fine. I’m sort of just accepting that things could be worse and I’m grateful for what I do have.

I don’t know how to make things better because I don’t really know what I want. That’s the problem with a lot of people, they don’t know what they want until they have it.

I’m still single. I’m okay though. I’m used to that now. Of my 12 adult years, approximately 20 months of them have been spent in relationships. And in only about 5 of those months was I actually happy with the person I was with.

Whatever it is that people have that make them able to get into, and maintain, relationships I think is absent from my being. I think once you start thinking that about yourself, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and the confirmation bias (Google it) comes into play until it really is true.

So I don’t want to consign myself to a life of singledom prematurely but I tend to think it might be better to accept something like this rather than go through life striving for the unobtainable. That would be no fun whatsoever.

But I’m fine, really. I’m a solid five out of ten, sometimes even six. And for that, I am grateful.

N x

The post that’s been meaning to write this for a while

I’ve been meaning to write this for a long time. I took the decision to stop writing the blog some months back. I was concerned that what I had hoped would be a cathartic exercise had become a cesspit of doom, gloom and misery.

I would only take to my blog when I had something negative that I wanted to get off my chest or something to moan about or if I was feeling lonely or depressed or any number of any negative emotions.

As such, my writing became a reminder of my misery. Of negativity. Of things I wasn’t happy about. Yes, I would feel better after ‘letting off steam’ via my blog but there became a sense that I had become the person, or persona, that I was portraying online.

Each thought, each word, that spilled from my mind through to my fingers and onto your screens was confirmation of unhappiness. Of discontent. Each post that was written, read and re-read embedding these feelings further, each one another nail in my coffin of dissatisfaction.

It had become a self-fulfilling prophecy and I was actively contributing to a negative spiral. I was my own enemy.

This was a suspicion I had and it was at this point that I decided to take a break from blogging. Completely stop as opposed to blog about something else. Come away from it. I wanted to give myself the opportunity to see if my suspicions had any foundation.

I can tell you without any uncertainty that I am a happier human being now than I have been for some time. Is it because I stopped the aforementioned negative spiral? Perhaps. Would I have gone on to feel happier anyway? I can’t possibly know for sure.

It is, however, difficult for me to imagine that the two things – removing this blog from my life and feeling happier – are not connected. It feels like too much of a coincidence.

So, what’s changed?

In many ways, nothing.

I still have the same job, which I loathe, but I am making more money now and it’s now a reliable, consistent source of income.

I still live with random people in a house share, but it’s cheap and I like the quietness of the location.

I’m still single, have heavy bouts of loneliness and (embarrassingly) the desire just to be hugged from time to time.

But some things have changed.

I am exercising more now. I’m running three times a week. And I love doing it.

And I have a major new focus in that I’m a part time student now and I’m studying something that I really enjoy, that fascinates me and that I really want to be good at.

I am hoping it will facilitate an exit from my current job but we’re looking at potentially 3 years for this to become a reality. But I’m willing to stick with it due to the potential reward on offer at the end of it. Without this new focus, I genuinely worry what my state of mind would be like and where I would be right now.

So, what is the point of this blog? Why have I been meaning to write it? One reason is that I kind of left things a little unfinished. Hanging in the balance. I had to return and talk about my hiatus and its impact. Perhaps someone else out there has had similar feelings or maybe having read this they’ll have a ‘holy shit’ moment realise they’re blog is not the cathartic, helpful tool they thought it was and is actually having the opposite effect.

I joke about my followers and readers but it blows my mind that this blog has been getting traffic despite the fact it’s basically been dormant for so long. Perhaps I shouldn’t be though. Misery loves company, after all!

What’s next for me and for this particular post? Honestly, I don’t know. I want to do what’s right for my wellbeing. That doesn’t necessarily mean no more blogging and it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m going to write metaphorical bowls of sunshine day in and day out.

But it does mean the type of content that I produced in the past will remain exactly there. In the past.

N x

The post that might stop blogging

I use my blog mostly to vent. Fundamental to the venting process is moaning. Whinging. Complaining.

I’m torn as to whether this is a good thing for me or not.

On the one hand, it feels good to get things off my chest.

One the other hand, I wonder if it’s kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you’ve got a place that’s littered with moaning about things, then do you ‘seek out’ (for want of a better term) things, on some level, to fill that place?

Does it just facilitate wallowing?

Would I be able to move on from or get over things easier or quicker, if I spent less time banging on about them?

Back to the first hand, I do like writing. I like having a place to express myself. I like connecting with other bloggers, that’s for sure.

Perhaps the answer is to turn it into a space of positivity and successes. But then it really would be blank (fnar fnar).

No but seriously, I don’t know if reminding myself how pissed off/annoyed/sad I am about things is a good idea.

I’ve got my readers to think of as well. Both of them.

Maybe I’ll create a whole new blog. That appeals to me more than changing this one from what it is right now.

Who knows.

N x