The post that feels a bit differently now

You know when you’re so tired that your eyelid does that thing where it twitches up and down. It feels like it’s vibrating. I get that when I’m really tired and I’ve got it right now.

I confess I jumped the gun a little bit with my last post about being bored staying with my brother, sister in law and soon to be 2 year old niece.

Although at that time, I was bored and mystified by everyone’s obsession with my niece’s every move. But of the 4 days I was there, by day 3, things had started to change.

My niece wanted to play with me. Me! ME!! And she was quite insistent about it as well. I’m terribly awkward with small people so this was a big moment. In fact there were a couple of them over the time I was there.

There was a moment when we went out for a walk. And she was wobbling along as usual then as we paused to decide where we were going next, she grabbed my hand and pointed in the direction she wanted to go in.

Ice – consider yourself broken.

On the way to the train station, I really wanted my brother to sit next to her in the car in case I inadvertently upset her or she kicks off about something. Once again, not a child person and no idea how to handle that sort of thing.

But I somehow ended up next to her anyway. She was eating something and dropped a bit on her belly. I went to pick it up and poked her on her belly as I was doing so. This provoked a giggle.

And so I poked her again. And again. I bloody loved that giggle. I couldn’t stop. It’s like when I make adults laugh – a feeling I can’t get enough of.

Finally, when I went to the train station to leave. Everyone was all like ‘ooohh say goodbye to your uncle’ as they normally do. I usually I give her an awkward high 5 or a dismissive fist bump.

But this time I thought, screw it, I’m going to go all in. So I picked her up and gave her a cuddle. It was reciprocated.

And the day after I got back, I was going about my business in the morning and found myself thinking about her and what she might be up to.

I found that I… I missed her?

Now, I cannot convey strongly enough to you how out of character this is for me. If you’d ever seen me around a child, you’d probably wince and cringe. I’m just the most unnatural person in the world.

But having put in some effort over those days, I was rewarded. When everyone was being all cooey and I was like, Jesus this is so boring, I wanted to go back into my shell and let everyone get on with it.

But then I thought, look, this is my niece. She’s not going anywhere. This isn’t a random kid I’m never going to see again. Let’s go the opposite way and get involved.

And I’m glad I did.

And now I find myself looking forward to seeing her again.

Now, does that not just make you sick?

Me – being all cooey and gooey over a baby. That’s not who I am, that’s not who I’ve ever been. So, what in the name of all that is holy is going on here?! I never saw this coming.

I still maintain that I don’t want one of my own though. Absolutely not.

But if I can make the transformation from distant, niece indifferent and baby hating to actually missing one then, well, all bets are off. Any bloody thing is possible.

I don’t even know who I am any more.

N x

The post that’s visiting family

I’m currently visiting my brother, sister in law and 2 year old niece.

I know I don’t exactly have a rock n roll lifestyle myself but my god it’s boring up here.

There’s nothing to do. Everyone just plays with my niece, watches and just generally obsesses over her every movement.

Then when she has her naps, everyone must be quiet.

I get it, I do.

She’s two. Fair enough.

But good lord, it’s a snooze fest.

I’ve written before about how I feel about babies, infants and kids in general. I don’t think much of them and I don’t want one.

They just take over everything.

I don’t know what I can do to make this 3-day weekend more interesting.

The other thing is that I’m worried my boredom will show to others. So I need to at least find a way of hiding my coma-inducing boredom.

I swear to all of the Gods that if I have listen to another conversation about flowers or what someone had for dinner last night, I’ll end myself.

Christ almighty.

It’s gonna be a long 3 days.

N x

The post that needs an explanation

What does it mean when people say things like:

Accept yourself for who you are

or

Learn to accept yourself

Are they saying:

Stop trying to be different?

Stop trying to improve?

Stop dwelling on your faults?

Stop wishing you were different?

Stop wishing things in your life were different?

Or is it something else?

I’ve heard it or read it a few times recently but I’m not entirely sure I understand what it means.

If you do, or if you have an opinion on what it means, I would love to hear it.

Comment me up :)

Cheers

N x

The post that pissed her off

Today was a rough day.

I got a ranty email from a pissed off client. I replied politely but with a definite undertone of ‘fuck you, you utter fucking fuckhead’. Let’s hope she doesn’t detect it.

I hate it when I piss off clients. It happens rarely but yesterday it sort of happened again. I didn’t piss him off but I ‘disappointed’ him. So, because it’s two days in row, I’m feeling like shit tonight.

A tired shit as well.

Tired, alone, bored, annoyed and in need of a place to vent. I’m just going to have to brace myself and face the music tomorrow.

I’ve also got this other bitch on my back constantly asking when certain pieces of work are going to be ready. Look, you gave me a deadline so it’ll be ready before the deadline. Stop asking me when.

Don’t give me a pissing deadline if you’re just going to ask me every two days precisely in what order the bits of work will be ready in. You’ll get them when you get them and if you ask me again, I’m going to stab you in the face. Is that clear enough for you sweetheart?

Jesus Christ.

I’ve been working far too much lately. Starting every day at about 7am and finishing at about 6pm. It’s really catching up with me now.

But it’s kind of necessary to keep my head above water.

I think I’m going to need a break before my African adventure. That’s not for another 7 weeks. Next week is z bank holiday weekend so I’m going to visit my brother, sister in law and 2 year old niece.

Hopefully that will provide the respite I need to see me through the 6 weeks after that until I have a full week off.

I’ve been thinking about the trip after that and I’ve got my sights set on India in mid-late January. I won’t be able to firm up any plans though until after I come back from Africa.

Until then, I’m struggling to find any respite from the long hours at work and the vacuous evenings and weekends.

Today was so shit, I did something I didn’t want to do and shouldn’t have done. It’s something I don’t think I’ve done since about May. I bought cigarettes.

What can I say, I was weak, feeling really low and I caved. It was my comforter. It was either that or get drunk. But I can’t afford to have a hangover tomorrow.

What’s worse though was that it did comfort me. It would have been nice if it had tasted disgusting because then I wouldn’t do it again. But I didn’t know where else to turn.

Let’s see what tomorrow has in store. If it goes well, I won’t be reaching for that little white packet again.

What do you do to comfort yourself after a really shitty day(s)?

N x

The post that could not concentrate

Do you ever have those days at work when you just cannot concentrate on anything for more than about 4.5 seconds?

I had one of them today. My mind was all over the shop. I was itching to get up and move around. I couldn’t sit still.

Luckily, tomorrow I have an exciting distraction and something to get me out of the house in the form of going for a health check with the nurse at the local GP. Apparently I have to do this prior to becoming a patient there.

I don’t know what it involves to be honest. Although I’ve just remembered I have to pee into a little tube for her. What else? Blood pressure? Height? Weight? BMI? Drug, alcohol and tobacco use probably?

I’m actually itching to get it over with because then I can use their travel health clinic, which is really what I need to do. I need to get a vaccination for yellow fever and some anti-malaria tablets.

Oh, Africa. Land of exotic fatal diseases. Why am I going again? Oh yeah, to see lions and stuff.

My sleeping bag and head torch arrived today. All very exciting. I need the torch to get around when it’s dark because a lot of the camp sites where I’m going don’t have electricity or if they do, the generator is switched off at night time.

So, I need to make sure I don’t bump into a zebra or a wildebeest when I inevitably have to get up and go for a pee at 3am in the middle of nowhere.

I think this contributed to my lack of concentration today. I just want to get gone! But it’s still several weeks away. Patience is a virtue, etc.

I don’t know what else it was about today, I sometimes just feel so restless that I feel like I might explode. But then all of a sudden it was 5pm and the day was over.

When I get restless like that I get introspective and philosophical and think about the future. Which I don’t really want to do.

I guess by deciding on a ‘little and often’ travel strategy, I’m going to have put up with being restless in between times. I’m still set on this plan for now though even if it means having little in the way of a life in between trips.

I’d like to always have a trip to look forward to. That’d be nice.

In other news, I really really want to buy a ukulele. Which is really random. There was one at my brother’s house when I last visited that they’d bought for a quid and I couldn’t play it but I also couldn’t put it down.

It’s just a question of money. I can’t really splash out on musical instruments while saving for Africa. That’s having your cake and eating it I think. Maybe in a few weeks when I’m certain of how much my outgoings are going to be for this trip.

Honestly, I think I could afford it. But it’s a gamble so I’ll hang fire on that one. I’m sure I’ll get one eventually though. What was I saying about patience?

Oh, yeah.

In other other news I saw a picture on social media today of the ‘friend’ who resisted my attempts to meet up and catch up when I got back from South America.

She’d posted a picture of a bottle of champagne, two glasses and some flowers that her new boyfriend had bought and was waiting for her when she arrived at the cottage they’d rented for a week’s holiday. It made me a little bit sick in my mouth.

Guess that’s why I no longer exist if she’s getting that kind of treatment! Good luck to her. Let’s hope they live happily ever after. It was the first time I’d taken a peak at Facebook for several days and a nice reminder of why it’s going to be a lot longer before I do again – you see what happens when I get restless??

Adios amigos.

N x