I write to you on the eve of my 30th birthday. The final night of my twenties. Jesus Christ.
It’s kind of a strange feeling. I know, I know, it’s “just a number” and all that.
But it’s what that number represents.
I must admit I’m feeling quite sombre and nostalgic about it. I don’t know if I made the most of my 20s.
I might have. But I can’t help thinking there was a different path for me. That path being the one my closest friends took. The one that leads to marriage, a mortgage and a child.
Some things I did in my 20s I’m very proud of. Maybe it’s human nature to wonder if things could have been better.
Positives. Let’s see:
I completed a bachelor’s degree.
I volunteered abroad as an English teacher.
I learned quite a bit of Spanish.
I moved to London – that was a long standing ambition.
I went travelling – 3 times.
I went to watch my team play football practically on a weekly basis – a childhood dream come true.
I had my first serious girlfriend.
I had less serious relationships with other girls.
I was a best man at a wedding – twice.
I climbed to the summit of a mountain.
I ticked off several “travel bucket list” items.
I did 3 bungy jumps and a sky dive.
Negatives. Because I have to do this fairly:
I never really used my bachelor’s degree.
I didn’t figure out what I want to do with my life.
I didn’t get a career or find a job I like.
I still haven’t been in love… and I’m still single.
Money is still a concern.
I’m still living with strangers.
I can’t think of any more for either list.
Looking at it from a purely numbers point of view, you could say the positives win because there’s more of them. But I don’t think it’s a question of quantity, but more quality.
What I mean is how important was, for example, watching my team on a weekly basis versus finding a career path? Which one would I rather have done?
I loved every minute of going to the football (there’s no pleasure like it for me), but I know deep down I’d sacrifice that to find a job/career that suits me. Something I’ve been searching for for eight years.
The being single thing? Well, let’s say I’d been in a relationship for my entire 20s, then I probably wouldn’t have volunteered abroad or been travelling 3 times. And If I had, then those experiences would have been totally different.
And those experiences I hold so so dearly. They were truly amazing times that I look back on with incredible fondness.
So, I guess you can never know. It’s not like a game show where you do what you think is right and then find out afterwards if it was or not, and what would have happened if only you’d made this or that choice.
Off the top of my head right now, I can’t think of a moment that makes me think, oh god, that was a massive error and I should not have done that.
Which is a good thing, I suppose.
On the other hand, there are moments that spring to mind that make me think, oh why didn’t I just go for it, or I should have just taken a chance on that.
It reminds me of quote that I don’t know the origin of. Some say Mark Twain:
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do.
And here’s another one from the TV show “Frasier”, when Martin Crane says:
As you get older, it’s not the failures that you regret, or the times you made an ass of yourself. It’s the times you never even tried, when you just lost your nerve.
What do you think? Wise words?
Whenever I see that (possible Twain) quote, or think about that TV episode, it always gets to me. Because I am so guilty of losing my nerve in certain situations when I just shouldn’t.
I don’t take enough chances.
It’s something I should get into the habit of doing. Once something becomes a habit, it becomes easier to do. People often say, “what’s the worst that can happen?” don’t they?
And I know what they mean. For example, if I get turned down by a girl, no one dies. But my confidence and self-esteem aren’t healthy enough to take hits like that.
So, let’s take it a step further. What are the consequences of having shattered confidence? Retreating into my shell? Not talking to anyone? Not trying again?
Well, if you’re not trying or taking a chance in the first place, then what are you really missing out on?
That was just a stream of consciousness that just flowed out, there.
It’s a self-defence mechanism, isn’t it? Not approaching the girl, not going for a job that might be too much to handle, and so on.
Because what if you got the job? And what if you sucked at it? What if you failed?
These are my subconscious, and sometimes conscious, feelings that take over and prevent me from even trying. Who wants to voluntarily put themselves in a position of vulnerability?
Maybe it’s a case of when those risks come off, the reward is enormous. And when they don’t, well that can be tough too.
So, tomorrow, as I enter my thirties, what can I do to approach this era differently?
What changes can I make that take the good things from my twenties and add them to my thirties, while eradicating (or at least lessening), the things I didn’t like about what I did in my twenties. If that makes sense.
One thing that does change with each passing year is that I care less and less about what other people think of me. This can be a good thing if channelled correctly, I think.
Maybe that’s a good starting point and we can go from there.
Here’s to my 30s.
Cheers.
N x
The Nameless Blogger 