The post that is boring or bored or both

I think I might be really boring.

Like, really fucking boring.

I don’t actually do anything. Does anyone else actually do anything?

I think at least part of the reason I ditched Facebook was because I was sick of seeing people who were doing things all the time and seemingly having the time of their lives every single day.

I went on an 8-month round the world trip with four friends in 2008-2009 and when I got back I had a really difficult time readjusting to reality. The norm. So much so that I was only back for 6 months before I went away travelling again for five months.

The comedown from such a life changing experience was one I found incredibly difficult to accept. How was I supposed to go back to a normal life after seeing what I’d seen and doing what I’d done.

A lyric from the song “Sit Down” by James captures this feeling perfectly:

If I hadn’t seen such riches, I could live with being poor.

After reaching such a high, and that trip was amazing in every way possible, how can I carry on purposefully safe in the knowledge that life won’t ever be as good as that again?

I’ve experienced those riches, and now I have to live with being poor.

So to try to cope, I travel. I go on trips. By myself. I’ve been to 34 countries but it’s not helping me. I’m not getting what I want. It’s not giving me what I want.

But it’s all I have. It’s all I know.

I keep repeating the same action thinking that some day, one day, I will be able to reach those heights again. But it hasn’t happened yet. And maybe it never will.

I’ve been playing the game all wrong.

I sit at home all day working (or trying to work) then I sit at home all evening watching TV shows or football or doing anything to get the hours to pass as quickly as possible.

Because if I can get those hours to pass then I can go to bed where there’s no feeling that I could be doing something else. Then I get up the next day and do it all again.

Five days a week. Just wasting hours. Wasting life. I’m delighted when the time goes quickly during the day because it means tomorrow is not far off, which means the weekend is a bit closer. A weekend in which I will invariably do nothing.

Buy food. Watch football. Eat. Watch a TV show. Sleep. You’ve got to ask yourself, what’s the point in that?

Sure, I might meet up with a friend or two once or twice every month or two. But they’re all busy doing their own thing. Being married. Looking after their kids. Paying their mortgages. Saving up for, and going on, their romantic getaways.

I’ve been doing it all wrong though.

Rather than finding meaningful things to do a few times per week, I’ve been doing nothing. Then a few times per year, I’ve been taking trips. Sudden, concentrated binges of action in the belief (hope?) that I will be able to recapture the good times.

But these trips aren’t good for me because of the vast gulf of time that exists in between them.

I think it is better is to have things to do frequently, not major things, just little things.

I’ve been finding my work incredibly boring for the last week or so. I find myself typing away thinking, my God, I feel like if I have to type another word of this meaningless bullshit, then I’m going to put a bullet in my head.

Maybe a ‘little and often’ approach would make work slightly less boring and I could actually summon the motivation to do it.

With that in mind, today, I booked myself to attend a two and half hour badminton session with 8 other strangers at a local(ish) meetup group.

I used to go to one over a year and half ago but then stopped due to a few injuries. They’ve all cleared up now. In fact, they’ve been all cleared up for a while I just couldn’t be bothered to start playing again.

So, the session is tomorrow night and I’m hoping I haven’t forgotten how to be normal around people I don’t know due to the amount of time I spend alone.

I won’t be able to afford play every week but it’d be nice if I could make it a semi-regular thing. Once a every 3 or 4 weeks or something.

Right, I’m off to while away the time until I can go to sleep.

Hope you’re well.

N x

The post that doesn’t have anything else

So, the English Premier League football season started yesterday.

For me, this means spending ridiculous amounts of money on football tickets and my calender will become dictated, to a large extent, by when the team I support (Arsenal) have fixtures.

It’s great to have it back and I went to watch us yesterday. I realised how much I love the feeling of going to games, and when we scored the winning goal with virtually the last kick of the game, it was unbridled joy.

I mean, seriously, nothing evokes emotions in me like what happened yesterday. Nothing even comes close.

Truly, there are fewer better feelings in life than when witnessing a last minute winner.

I love going, I love the atmosphere, I love this feeling that millions of people are watching this event all over the world and I’m one of people lucky enough to actually be there.

It feels like you’re at the centre of the universe.

A large part of the reason I live in London is so that I can go and watch the team I love. To many, that is insane but this is a huge part of my life and when I can’t go or there’s no football to watch, I feel a void.

With increasing ticket prices, and the nagging feeling that I won’t be able to carry on doing what I love forever, comes fear. On some level, I wonder if it’s a ridiculous lifestyle choice.

With my life revolving around what is essentially a hobby.

I’ve set my life up in such a way that I can ‘do’ this hobby. It was what I always wanted. From the age of about 7, my dream was to live and work in London so that I could easily and conveniently watch my team.

And I’ve realised that dream. I’ve been living that dream for two years now.

But in spite of the life I’ve built, I feel empty.

Now that the season is back up and running, it’s made me realise that the thing a large chunk of my life revolves around, is finite. And once it’s gone, all I’ll have left is my 7 year old self.

It’s not healthy to be so reliant on something that you have no control over.

I think I’m in danger of becoming a recluse with crap social skills. I met up with my friend the other night, and we had a good time, but I wonder if seeing my friends less and working alone, is having a detrimental affect on my social skills – which were never brilliant anyway.

The problem is, I just can’t be bothered to do anything. I don’t have the motivation, the energy, the mental or physical resources to do anything about it.

Which means, I can’t complain. If I’m not willing to change then I should put a sock in it. I wish I did have the get up and go. Maybe I just need to literally force myself into doing things I don’t want to do.

After all, nothing in this life worth having comes easy.

N x

The post that’s quite happy

The work itself is the reward

This is a quote from someone who is something of a hero of mine (shut up, I’m allowed to have a hero at 29), Ricky Gervais.

Every now and again, I understand what he means by this. Generally, I try to get by doing as little work as possible but today I started at about 7:30am and finished at about 8:30pm and got so much done. It really does feel pretty good.

That’s not to say I worked for 13 hours. Those 13 hours included breakfast, lunch, dinner, checking emails, flitting about briefly on Twitter and things like that.

But it was still a highly successful day and you have to feel good after days like that because it’s all too easy to berate yourself after a bad day, that if you can’t feel content after a good one… well, then what’s the point?

I’m guilty of this sometimes. But tomorrow could be a disaster day waiting to happen. We just don’t know.

On another topic entirely, I made tentative arrangements to meet up with a former colleague of mine this week. She’s a really nice girl. I really like her, not in that way (although she is pretty), she’s good fun to be around and I haven’t seen her in ages.

The good thing is we can go several weeks without contact and it’s not weird. We’ll more or less pick up where we left off when we message each other or meet for a drink or go for some food.

We follow the same football team, we know a lot of the same people, have a former place of work in common so I hope we do meet up this week.

Last time we met up, I did briefly think about her in that way but quickly shook off the thought because she’s been my friend for nearly two years, it just doesn’t feel right.

I remember one time when I was still with my ex, that the three of us were travelling on the underground together. We were talking and stuff and then it was my ex’s stop to get off.

She got off and then I mentally, visibly and audibly relaxed and sighed and I remember feeling guilty. I felt guilty because I was happy that it was now just me and my friend left on the train. I enjoyed her company more than that of my then girlfriend.

How wrong is that!

I remember the smile we shot each other when she got off very vividly.

It’s a possibility that I deliberately keep a bit of a distance just in case I develop unwanted feelings. I don’t think I would but, subconsciously, it’s not a risk I want to take.

On that note, I’m going to watch an episode of Criminal Minds and go to bed because I’m knackered.

Hope you’re well!

N x

The post that hates Facebook

Today, I want to talk about Facebook.

I hate Facebook. I haven’t always hated it; I liked it up until about a couple of years ago but now I hate it.

It’s changed so much from what it was. It started off as people sharing anecdotes about their lives, taking pictures of what they were up to, reliving the previous night out with friends, and re-connecting with those they may have lost touch with.

But not any more.

Now, it’s all about the following:

  • People making political statements that are guaranteed to be divisive, generate anger and cause arguments.
  • Posting, whiny cryptic status updates that are a cry for attention and that make me want to slap the culprit. Hard. In the face. With a wet fish.
  • Sharing ridiculous quizzes that enable me to find out which Disney character/fruit/country/ice cream flavour I am. I mean, what the actual fuck is wrong with these people?
  • Boasting. Bragging. Oh look at me having a lovely time in Barbados on a Monday morning sipping champagne while getting a massage and Christ knows what else. Fuck you.
  • Photos of babies. Anyone who’s read other posts on this blog will know my feelings towards babies. They’re all the same to me and it’s not special that you’ve created another one. Nobody cares. Women have been doing it centuries. And the people that do care and that do matter sure as shit won’t want to find out about it on Facebook.
  • Inappropriate status updates about things like doctor’s appointments. Why are you posting that on a social media site?
  • Couples letting the world know how wonderful their life is together and the latest thing their partner treated them to. So? Why are you telling me? Why can’t you enjoy it yourselves without broadcasting it?
  • People living their lives like an open wound. What’s wrong with you – mummy didn’t love you when you were little?

I’m sure there are others but to come up with the above list would mean continuing to scroll through my feed and I would rather gauge out my eyes with a rusty spoon than do that any longer.

You see, I’ve abandoned Facebook.

When I went to see my family a few weeks ago, my Uncle said to me, “you’ve been a bit quiet on Facebook lately? What’s happened? Broke your computer?”

He was only half-joking. It turns out that he had been to the doctor a few days earlier for something and everyone in the room knew about it except me. Why? Because I hadn’t been on Facebook.

The connection being that my Uncle had apparently documented the entire thing on their. Updating everyone with each appointment and outcome.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that a really weird thing to do?

It’s the narcissistic, ego-centred behaviour of everyone on Facebook that really drives me up the wall. The unquenchable thirst for attention. LIKE ME! COMMENT ON ME! READ ME! SHARE ME!

I just can’t stand it any more and I don’t want any part of it.

To finish my point, my Uncle explained to me IN PERSON what had been going on in what is a much better way to find out about something of that nature.

To compile the above list I had to go back to that awful site and I noticed someone had checked into an airport. Fair enough. They’d also checked into a specific gate. Well, okay, whatever.

Someone had commented: “Isn’t it enough to say you’re at the airport, what the fuck does it matter what gate it is?!”

And, this ladies and gentleman, in a nutshell is why I hate Facebook. A pointless, if innocuous, update responded to with contempt, anger and downright rudeness. And over WHAT?! What is the commenter getting so upset about?!

This is typical of what Facebook does. It incites. It wastes people’s time, energy and causes friction where there is none. Do you imagine for one moment that, had they been speaking on the phone and the gate had been mentioned, that the other person would have launched a foul-mouthed rant down the phone?

Attention seeking at its most abhorrent.

There are more important things in life and I just think it’s such a pointless drain on people’s resources. I find it depressing and energy-sapping to even read.

One more thing, my brother and wife feel basically the same as me about Facebook and changed a load of privacy settings recently. My Mum noticed this and got really upset: “why did they change their names? why can’t I see that information? Why wouldn’t they tell me something like this? I must have done something to upset them!”

If there’s no Facebook, this doesn’t happen. People seem to lose control of their emotions when it comes to this website and I haven’t the faintest idea why.

It’s madness.

Anyway, I’ve gone on much longer than my usual 500 word posts but this is something that I felt warranted the extra 300 odd words.

Please tell me, though if you are reading this, because I’d be fascinated to know – do you agree with anything I’ve said? Can you relate to it? I accept that I’m in the minority here but I’d love to know if any of this resonates with you.

Cheers for now and have a wonderful rest of the weekend!

N x

The post that doesn’t want to do that again

Well, I’m back. The wedding is all over, went down without a hitch, and my best man speech went… well, it went.

I remember my mouth was very dry and I was shaking. Most of it is a blur after that.

The first thing to say is that I am beyond elated that it’s all over. The second thing to say is that I didn’t think it went well, I got a few laughs and some awkward silences. The one I did for my brother’s wedding went 100 times better.

C’est la vie, I suppose.

I don’t want to dwell on it, even though I really wish it had gone better, because there’s nothing that can be done about it now and I want to move on.

However, I can honestly say that I didn’t enjoy any aspect whatsoever of being a best man. It’s a thankless task, it really is. Not literally, obviously.

The groom, the bride, their parents and the people who go on the stag do all verbally thank you, but you know what I mean.

When I was asked to do it, just as with the first time, my heart sank. The whole process is a massive pain in the arse and it means the only part of the wedding you can enjoy is the getting drunk at the end.

I hated organising the stag do, chasing people for money, sorting a venue, worrying about transport, hoping the stag would enjoy himself and hoping all the lads on the stag do would enjoy themselves.

I hated being counted on to have special responsibilities on the stag do, performing more on the wedding day, coming up with material for the speech, and of course, actually delivering it.

I know I should be grateful and honoured to be chosen for something that means so much to the person who picks you, but I really hope that my best man days are over.

I think twice is enough for anyone.

It’s my own fault really for being such as bloody brilliant man, I suppose!

So, having finally been able to relax after the speech, I drank lots of wine, champagne and whiskey and felt unbelievably tired. It was like suddenly now that I wasn’t worrying about this thing any more, I was sapped of energy.

It’s the expectation people have of you that really annoys me. I’m neither a stand up comedian nor a public speaker, dammit! Everyone asks you all day “ooohh, is the speech ready? How’s the speech? Are you confident about your speech?”

It just piles and piles the pressure on until… you just want to punch everyone in the face.

So, there you have it. I think I’ve made my feelings quite clear on that one.

I don’t have dozens and dozens of friends, and I’m fine about that, but the ones I do have, I’m quite close with. Which is fine until they decide to get married and ask you to go through hell from that moment until the final speech has been spoken.

Maybe I’ll stop making friends or become estranged from the ones that I am currently close with just in case they get any ideas.

Anyway, I’m off to bask in the glory of not having this burden on my shoulders any more. Or, as it’s more commonly known – sleep.

Have a wonderful evening/day/morning, whatever it is in your part of the planet.

N x

The post that’s getting nervous

Well, I’m starting to get really nervous about the big day now. I meet up with the groom and other people tomorrow night before the wedding on Friday.

What I’m nervous about is my best man speech. I’ve been rehearsing it this evening and with every read it seems to become less and less funny and the chances of me making a fool out of myself seem to be rocketing skywards.

I really, really don’t want to make a fool out of myself and I’m concerned there is a danger that I am trying to hard to get laughs when really it’s better just to be natural.

I definitely think it’s better to be natural.

I might change some bits tomorrow night when my co-best man and I go over it one last time.

I’m actually too nervous to write a proper blog post. I just want it go well for the sake of the bride and groom. I’ve been entrusted with responsibilities for this event and I want to do everything properly and correctly.

Maybe I need to relax a little as well.

I am going to have to leave it there because, as I said, I’m actually too nervous to write anything.

I’m going to go and read through it a couple more times now. I think if I’m well prepared at least, that will make me less nervous.

Signing off until it’s all over.

Eeeek!!!

N x

The post that doesn’t have the energy to date

I’m going to a wedding on Friday of one of my closest, if not the closest, friends. I’m one of his two best men for the day, and inevitably, it’s an occasion that got me thinking about relationships and stuff.

It’s also at the forefront of my mind because I visited my Mum at the weekend and met the new man in her life. Plus my brother, sister-in-law and niece were all there so everyone was being very coupley.

Which is not a problem, I hasten to add, I’m just saying.

The third thing making all this prominent in my mind is that I found out today that my very first girlfriend has just gotten married. For some reason, that depressed me.

She’s the only girl I’ve ever gone out with who broke up with me, rather than the other way around.

In this post, I mentioned being a passive user of online dating, which means I have a profile but don’t bother to actively search on it. I also mentioned having received a message from a potential interest, who I then replied to.

Well, this person sent me another message just before I went on holiday but I didn’t respond again before I went and I didn’t respond when I came back. Why? Because I don’t have the physical, mental or emotional resources. (I’ve disabled my account for this reason).

So what do I mean by that? Mainly that I don’t have the energy for the chase, the back and forth messaging, the thinking of what questions to ask, all the effort to make myself seem like someone she’d like to point. It’s just not for me.

And I just started thinking: what’s the point? Why am I doing this?

It’s almost like a chore. It’s like work. I’d almost go as far as to say it’s stressful.

And why would I add an unnecessary stressful, work-like chore to my life?

It should be effortless and natural but they (whoever they are) have turned it into a money-making business with a scientific formula. Well, no thank you very much.

But it’s not just that. I don’t think I can physically be bothered to date someone anyway. I seem to be in a place where I just see being with someone else as a massive hassle.

I don’t know why.

All I can think of are the negatives. You would be around that other person ALL the time. They want to see you almost every day, you have expectations to live up to, you are expected to do things for them, go places you don’t want to go and do things you don’t want to do.

Right?

I am so in love with my independence, I’ve lost sight of any of the positives of being in a relationship.

But I’m sort of pleased about that in a way because it means the burden is lifted. If you’re not looking to find anyone, then you can’t be disappointed if you don’t get anyone.

At the same time, I do wonder if this is the first step into becoming the male equivalent of a weird cat lady.

I’m actually amazed the human race isn’t extinct. I’ll tell you why. It’s basic learned behaviour, isn’t it? Have relationships that end in emotional pain for either party therefore it makes sense to stop getting into relationships.

If every time you got into a car, it crashed, you’d stop getting in cars wouldn’t you?

I’ll leave you to ponder that rather morbid, but I think valid, analogy.

N x

The post that doesn’t know how to act around babies

I’m going away for the weekend tomorrow night to visit my Mum, brother, sister-in-law and their baby – my niece. I’m looking forward to it generally but not the part where I will be expected to interact with their little 10 month old.

You see, I am the most unnatural, awkward person around babies. If they belong to friends then you can sort of get away with ignoring them or at least not going out of your way to interact with them.

But I don’t really feel like this would be socially acceptable to do around a family member.

I don’t know how to hold her, what to do when she starts crawling around, and actually I’m quite scared of interacting with her in a playful kind of way.

I just feel so uncomfortable, I don’t enjoy it, she probably doesn’t enjoy it, and I just wish there were a way to avoid the whole uncomfortable episode.

I refuse to speak to her in that ridiculous, high-pitched, squeaky voice all adults use for babies.

I remember last time I saw the family, I was about to leave to catch my train, called upstairs to where my brother and niece were to say goodbye and suddenly my brother appears with outstretched arms holding my niece.

I was thinking, okay, and what do you expect me to do with this? She doesn’t know who I am or that I’m leaving. So do you know what I did? I said goodbye (in a normal voice) and gave her a fist bump.

It was all I could muster and all I could think of to do!

Now she’s just about starting to walk, so I’ve got a load of questions lined up to ask my brother and sister-in-law about that, which will show my undoubted interest in her.

She is, understandably and rightly, the focal point of every family gathering now. But, let’s be honest about this, babies are boring things.

Unless you’re the parents, in which case I imagine every crawl, gurgle and vomit is the most precious, joyous moment of your life, then babies are very dull creatures.

Let’s see what happens anyway. My main aims are, as always, do not make the baby cry and do not drop the baby.

So far, I think I’ve made her cry once. I genuinely didn’t do anything, she just started while sitting on my lap and then stopped again when picked up by her Dad just as suddenly.

She must have been able to smell the fear, panic and anxiety.

Hardly surprising, there was plenty of it.

N x

The post that took it to heart

Hi, how was your day?

Mine? Oh, it was okay but it ended very badly.

I made a client really, really angry by producing what he deemed to be a terrible piece of work. He said he was “shocked” at what I had produced. I admit, criticism like this I take to heart.

I like to think of myself, and sometimes I believe it to be true, as thick-skinned but it’s at times like these I realise I am not. I can act as if I am, and do a pretty good job of it.

But I know this is going to be hard to shake off. When I saw his email, I started shaking, got all hot and began to sweat. Literally.

This is not the reaction of a thick-skinned person.

I’ve produced around 400 similar pieces of work for people and this guy is probably about the fourth or fifth to be really unhappy with it. He spoke to the customer service person of the office who supplied me the client and went ballistic apparently. Swearing and all sorts.

I sort of think the problem might have been his unrealistic expectations; my overwhelming success ratio would tend to suggest that. I could tell when I spoke to him (before doing the work) that he was bit of arsehole. He was very sweary then too.

But in spite of all that I feel physically sick to my stomach knowing that I’ve simultaneously made one person angry and let down another.

It comes down to this: I hate letting people down and the people I have let down are the ones who supplied me the client. I don’t give two shits about the client himself. I honestly couldn’t care less whether he lives or dies. It doesn’t matter to me.

But letting people down is something that guilts me big time and I think that’s why I am reluctant to take on challenges and responsibilities, particularly when other people are involved.

It’s why I only play INDIVIDUAL sports, it’s why I’m SELF employed, it’s why I travel SOLO and it’s probably why I’m SINGLE.

I mean, my God, talk about subconsciously distancing yourself from people. I hadn’t realised this until now but it does seem to be what I do.

So, what happened today shook me to my very core. I will try to draw strength from the book “Fuck It” that I read last week, and not be quite so pathetic about this.

But it will make me doubt myself and my ability over the next few days, I suspect. I need to shake this off. I have always kept the positive feedback I receive from the work I do for my clients and have a dedicated folder for all their emails.

Maybe reading through all of those will help recover my shaken confidence.

It could also help to put this into perspective and ask myself: what’s the worst that can come from this incident?

Suggestions welcome, folks. Blogging about it is actually helping.

Have a good evening.

N x

Liebster Award

The post that has a Liebster Award thing

So, here we go:

Liebster Award

Thanks once again to A Note From Sophie for the nomination.


Here are my answers to the 11 questions:

1) If you could have any super power, what would it be?

The ability to teleport. Imagine that – you wanna be over there and BANG you’re over there. Brilliant.

2) Where would you go on your dream holiday?

As someone who loves to travel this is a hard one to answer. Six month trip around South America. Is that allowed?

3) What is your biggest fear?

Cockroaches. (What? Have you seen how fast they run?!)

4) What is your favourite Disney Movie?

Aladdin.

5) Marmite, love or hate?

Neither really. I quite like it.

6) If you could spend a whole day with ANYONE, who would it be?

I think it would be Ricky Gervais. Not only is he extremely intelligent but also very funny. And he’s minted so we could do literally anything.

7) Describe an awkward moment you’ve had.

There’s been a lot, unfortunately, but I’ll go with something that happens to everyone from time to time. Telling a story among a group of friends that you think they will love and nobody laughs. There’s just a horrible silence.

8) If you had to be an animal, what animal would you be?

A sloth. What a chilled out life they lead.

9) What would your “Perfect Day” consist of?

Eating steak and chips, drinking McDonald’s chocolate milkshakes, going to a live football match, and lying in the sun.

10) What is your earliest memory?

When I was probably 4 or 5, sitting on the doorstop to my back garden. Sulking. And eating an apple. I don;t know why I remember this so vividly. I’ve just realised it’s a rubbish first memory as well.

11) If you could describe yourself in one word, what would it be?

Pensive.


Okay, so that’s that bit done.

Now I will provide 11 random facts about myself:

1) I have done 3 bungee jumps

2) I have been to 34 countries

3) I would like to experience living abroad

4) I am scared of spiders

5) I eat pasta about 3 times a week

6) I am a quarter Italian

7) I can’t stand the noise of children (I say this because they are currently making a noise outside and it’s driving me mad)

8) I never liked school at all

9) I once met Matt King (Super Hans from the TV show “Peep Show”) and it was one of the best moments of my life

10) I hate Facebook

11) One of the uses of my blog is that it is a place for me to vent


Here are the blogs I nominate. They’re meant to have less than 1000 followers but some blogs don’t display that stat but I tried to find ones that fit the criteria.

Compossibility

Top of JC’s Mind

Lists of 6

Pray For Blindness

Life By Melanie

Nick Shelton

Just Turned Thirty Sigh


And here are the 11 questions for the above bloggers to answer:

1) Would you rather wake up to find all your hair had fallen out or all your nails had fallen off?

2) Tea or coffee?

3) What is the first thing you do in the morning?

4) Sum up your blog in three words

5) What position do you usually sleep in?

6) What’s the best thing about your gender?

7) You can only eat one thing for the rest of your life. What is it?

8) What’s the biggest risk you’ve taken?

9) Most famous person you’ve met?

10) If you could live anywhere on Earth, where would you live?

11) What was the last dream that you remember?


And now for a quick recap on the rules:

1) Thank the person who is nominating you and post a link to their blog

2) Display the award on your blog

3) Answer 11 questions about yourself, provided by the blogger who nominated you

4) Provide 11 random facts about yourself

5) Nominate 5-11 blogs that you feel deserve an award with less than 1000 followers

6) Create a new list of questions for your nominees

7. Post these rules in your blog


Okay, there we go! Let’s hope I did everything correctly!

N x