The post that doesn’t have the energy to date

I’m going to a wedding on Friday of one of my closest, if not the closest, friends. I’m one of his two best men for the day, and inevitably, it’s an occasion that got me thinking about relationships and stuff.

It’s also at the forefront of my mind because I visited my Mum at the weekend and met the new man in her life. Plus my brother, sister-in-law and niece were all there so everyone was being very coupley.

Which is not a problem, I hasten to add, I’m just saying.

The third thing making all this prominent in my mind is that I found out today that my very first girlfriend has just gotten married. For some reason, that depressed me.

She’s the only girl I’ve ever gone out with who broke up with me, rather than the other way around.

In this post, I mentioned being a passive user of online dating, which means I have a profile but don’t bother to actively search on it. I also mentioned having received a message from a potential interest, who I then replied to.

Well, this person sent me another message just before I went on holiday but I didn’t respond again before I went and I didn’t respond when I came back. Why? Because I don’t have the physical, mental or emotional resources. (I’ve disabled my account for this reason).

So what do I mean by that? Mainly that I don’t have the energy for the chase, the back and forth messaging, the thinking of what questions to ask, all the effort to make myself seem like someone she’d like to point. It’s just not for me.

And I just started thinking: what’s the point? Why am I doing this?

It’s almost like a chore. It’s like work. I’d almost go as far as to say it’s stressful.

And why would I add an unnecessary stressful, work-like chore to my life?

It should be effortless and natural but they (whoever they are) have turned it into a money-making business with a scientific formula. Well, no thank you very much.

But it’s not just that. I don’t think I can physically be bothered to date someone anyway. I seem to be in a place where I just see being with someone else as a massive hassle.

I don’t know why.

All I can think of are the negatives. You would be around that other person ALL the time. They want to see you almost every day, you have expectations to live up to, you are expected to do things for them, go places you don’t want to go and do things you don’t want to do.


I am so in love with my independence, I’ve lost sight of any of the positives of being in a relationship.

But I’m sort of pleased about that in a way because it means the burden is lifted. If you’re not looking to find anyone, then you can’t be disappointed if you don’t get anyone.

At the same time, I do wonder if this is the first step into becoming the male equivalent of a weird cat lady.

I’m actually amazed the human race isn’t extinct. I’ll tell you why. It’s basic learned behaviour, isn’t it? Have relationships that end in emotional pain for either party therefore it makes sense to stop getting into relationships.

If every time you got into a car, it crashed, you’d stop getting in cars wouldn’t you?

I’ll leave you to ponder that rather morbid, but I think valid, analogy.

N x

The post that doesn’t know how to act around babies

I’m going away for the weekend tomorrow night to visit my Mum, brother, sister-in-law and their baby – my niece. I’m looking forward to it generally but not the part where I will be expected to interact with their little 10 month old.

You see, I am the most unnatural, awkward person around babies. If they belong to friends then you can sort of get away with ignoring them or at least not going out of your way to interact with them.

But I don’t really feel like this would be socially acceptable to do around a family member.

I don’t know how to hold her, what to do when she starts crawling around, and actually I’m quite scared of interacting with her in a playful kind of way.

I just feel so uncomfortable, I don’t enjoy it, she probably doesn’t enjoy it, and I just wish there were a way to avoid the whole uncomfortable episode.

I refuse to speak to her in that ridiculous, high-pitched, squeaky voice all adults use for babies.

I remember last time I saw the family, I was about to leave to catch my train, called upstairs to where my brother and niece were to say goodbye and suddenly my brother appears with outstretched arms holding my niece.

I was thinking, okay, and what do you expect me to do with this? She doesn’t know who I am or that I’m leaving. So do you know what I did? I said goodbye (in a normal voice) and gave her a fist bump.

It was all I could muster and all I could think of to do!

Now she’s just about starting to walk, so I’ve got a load of questions lined up to ask my brother and sister-in-law about that, which will show my undoubted interest in her.

She is, understandably and rightly, the focal point of every family gathering now. But, let’s be honest about this, babies are boring things.

Unless you’re the parents, in which case I imagine every crawl, gurgle and vomit is the most precious, joyous moment of your life, then babies are very dull creatures.

Let’s see what happens anyway. My main aims are, as always, do not make the baby cry and do not drop the baby.

So far, I think I’ve made her cry once. I genuinely didn’t do anything, she just started while sitting on my lap and then stopped again when picked up by her Dad just as suddenly.

She must have been able to smell the fear, panic and anxiety.

Hardly surprising, there was plenty of it.

N x

The post that took it to heart

Hi, how was your day?

Mine? Oh, it was okay but it ended very badly.

I made a client really, really angry by producing what he deemed to be a terrible piece of work. He said he was “shocked” at what I had produced. I admit, criticism like this I take to heart.

I like to think of myself, and sometimes I believe it to be true, as thick-skinned but it’s at times like these I realise I am not. I can act as if I am, and do a pretty good job of it.

But I know this is going to be hard to shake off. When I saw his email, I started shaking, got all hot and began to sweat. Literally.

This is not the reaction of a thick-skinned person.

I’ve produced around 400 similar pieces of work for people and this guy is probably about the fourth or fifth to be really unhappy with it. He spoke to the customer service person of the office who supplied me the client and went ballistic apparently. Swearing and all sorts.

I sort of think the problem might have been his unrealistic expectations; my overwhelming success ratio would tend to suggest that. I could tell when I spoke to him (before doing the work) that he was bit of arsehole. He was very sweary then too.

But in spite of all that I feel physically sick to my stomach knowing that I’ve simultaneously made one person angry and let down another.

It comes down to this: I hate letting people down and the people I have let down are the ones who supplied me the client. I don’t give two shits about the client himself. I honestly couldn’t care less whether he lives or dies. It doesn’t matter to me.

But letting people down is something that guilts me big time and I think that’s why I am reluctant to take on challenges and responsibilities, particularly when other people are involved.

It’s why I only play INDIVIDUAL sports, it’s why I’m SELF employed, it’s why I travel SOLO and it’s probably why I’m SINGLE.

I mean, my God, talk about subconsciously distancing yourself from people. I hadn’t realised this until now but it does seem to be what I do.

So, what happened today shook me to my very core. I will try to draw strength from the book “Fuck It” that I read last week, and not be quite so pathetic about this.

But it will make me doubt myself and my ability over the next few days, I suspect. I need to shake this off. I have always kept the positive feedback I receive from the work I do for my clients and have a dedicated folder for all their emails.

Maybe reading through all of those will help recover my shaken confidence.

It could also help to put this into perspective and ask myself: what’s the worst that can come from this incident?

Suggestions welcome, folks. Blogging about it is actually helping.

Have a good evening.

N x

Liebster Award

The post that has a Liebster Award thing

So, here we go:

Liebster Award

Thanks once again to A Note From Sophie for the nomination.

Here are my answers to the 11 questions:

1) If you could have any super power, what would it be?

The ability to teleport. Imagine that – you wanna be over there and BANG you’re over there. Brilliant.

2) Where would you go on your dream holiday?

As someone who loves to travel this is a hard one to answer. Six month trip around South America. Is that allowed?

3) What is your biggest fear?

Cockroaches. (What? Have you seen how fast they run?!)

4) What is your favourite Disney Movie?


5) Marmite, love or hate?

Neither really. I quite like it.

6) If you could spend a whole day with ANYONE, who would it be?

I think it would be Ricky Gervais. Not only is he extremely intelligent but also very funny. And he’s minted so we could do literally anything.

7) Describe an awkward moment you’ve had.

There’s been a lot, unfortunately, but I’ll go with something that happens to everyone from time to time. Telling a story among a group of friends that you think they will love and nobody laughs. There’s just a horrible silence.

8) If you had to be an animal, what animal would you be?

A sloth. What a chilled out life they lead.

9) What would your “Perfect Day” consist of?

Eating steak and chips, drinking McDonald’s chocolate milkshakes, going to a live football match, and lying in the sun.

10) What is your earliest memory?

When I was probably 4 or 5, sitting on the doorstop to my back garden. Sulking. And eating an apple. I don;t know why I remember this so vividly. I’ve just realised it’s a rubbish first memory as well.

11) If you could describe yourself in one word, what would it be?


Okay, so that’s that bit done.

Now I will provide 11 random facts about myself:

1) I have done 3 bungee jumps

2) I have been to 34 countries

3) I would like to experience living abroad

4) I am scared of spiders

5) I eat pasta about 3 times a week

6) I am a quarter Italian

7) I can’t stand the noise of children (I say this because they are currently making a noise outside and it’s driving me mad)

8) I never liked school at all

9) I once met Matt King (Super Hans from the TV show “Peep Show”) and it was one of the best moments of my life

10) I hate Facebook

11) One of the uses of my blog is that it is a place for me to vent

Here are the blogs I nominate. They’re meant to have less than 1000 followers but some blogs don’t display that stat but I tried to find ones that fit the criteria.


Top of JC’s Mind

Lists of 6

Pray For Blindness

Life By Melanie

Nick Shelton

Just Turned Thirty Sigh

And here are the 11 questions for the above bloggers to answer:

1) Would you rather wake up to find all your hair had fallen out or all your nails had fallen off?

2) Tea or coffee?

3) What is the first thing you do in the morning?

4) Sum up your blog in three words

5) What position do you usually sleep in?

6) What’s the best thing about your gender?

7) You can only eat one thing for the rest of your life. What is it?

8) What’s the biggest risk you’ve taken?

9) Most famous person you’ve met?

10) If you could live anywhere on Earth, where would you live?

11) What was the last dream that you remember?

And now for a quick recap on the rules:

1) Thank the person who is nominating you and post a link to their blog

2) Display the award on your blog

3) Answer 11 questions about yourself, provided by the blogger who nominated you

4) Provide 11 random facts about yourself

5) Nominate 5-11 blogs that you feel deserve an award with less than 1000 followers

6) Create a new list of questions for your nominees

7. Post these rules in your blog

Okay, there we go! Let’s hope I did everything correctly!

N x

The post that is back!


This is just a quick one, I’m afraid. There, there, time heals all wounds.

I’m back from Malta and back in a frankly ludicrously sweltering London as we appear to be in the midst of a heatwave.

I don’t know about you, but since I got back (I landed about 5 hours ago) I’ve been in a near constant state of perspiration.

Humid ain’t the word.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “You’ve just been to Malta. Surely it’s even hotter there.”

And you’re right. It is. But, the key difference is that my hotel room, the restaurant, shops, etc. all had air conditioning. Ergo, I was able to sleep at night and be comfortable when I was inside.

I’d be stupefied if I manage to get more than about 8 seconds of kip tonight.

I’ll tell you more about my holiday very soon; I have a couple of rather amusing anecdotes for you.

I notice that while I was away, I was nominated for something called a Liebster Award and a very special thanks to A Note From Sophie - the blogger who nominated me for this.

I promise I will do the ensuing challenge as it is, after all, in the spirit of things.

In fact, I’m off now to have a think about my answers.

Have a hot, humid, sticky, sweaty evening!

N x

The post that is understanding what it is to blog

So, I was downstairs earlier doing my dinner and I suddenly thought:

Oh! I must write a blog post today! It’s been a couple a days without one already!

But that’s not why I started doing this. For it to become a chore.

I’ve done 22 (or about that) posts now since the 6th of June. It’s now the 12th of July. That’s pretty good going.

I do want to keep blogging about my life, my thoughts, my feelings, my opinions, and whatever else is in my head on a particular day. But I don’t want to force it.

Some days are very quiet, hell, some weeks are very quiet. There’s not always things I feel like blabbing about on my little corner of the internet.

So, there should never be a time when I think I must write a post for no other reason than it’s been a few days since the last one.

That’s not a good reason at all.

Now, as it happens, I’ve ended up blogging about blogging. But had I not felt that blogging was something I wanted to blog about then I would not have blogged about it and the blog would have been blogless for a bit longer.

Ha. That was fun to write.

A soon as something becomes a chore to do, that was initially started for fun, I don’t think it should be continued. If you’re not enjoying doing something any more then either change the way you do it or stop doing it altogether.

Today, I began reading a book. It’s called:

Fuck it. The Ultimate Spiritual Way. 

It’s about doing things that make you happy. Doing those things that you wouldn’t normally do, but then just think, fuck it, I’ll do it. I’m only 30 pages in but it seems quite interesting.

I do this quite a bit, actually, but it’s usually over small things like buying chocolate, or a can of coke or a multi-pack of crisps.

I’m taking the book on holiday with me when I go in the early hours of Monday morning. A holiday for which I have basically already packed my bag and even booked the taxi to the bus station.

I’m in two minds about what I do when I get there. Either absolutely nothing, just laze by the pool/lie on the beach, read my book and have a drink.

Or go for a real wander about the island. Explore. Take photos. See stuff. Three and half days might not be enough to do both. But maybe it is. We’ll see.

I may talk to you again tomorrow before I set off. My laptop is not coming with me so this means I definitely won’t be blogging until I get back on Friday, at the earliest.

Hopefully, I’ll be back with some cool stories and anecdotes for you!

Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

N x

The post that’s ready for holiday mode

I’m really looking forward to a few days on the Mediterranean island of Malta next week.

What I’m looking forward to the most is not being at home, not being in London, not doing any work and being somewhere far, far away.

You know, as opposed to looking forward going to the specific destination itself. That’s not to say I’m not looking forward to going there, because I very much am, but it’s not the point of the break.

The point is to get away.

I always wonder if on one of my getaways I’ll have some kind epiphany or life altering experience. Some sort of light bulb moment when something clicks, the penny drops and I return a changed man.

I am the sort of person who gets itchy feet quite quickly so I’m ready to get on a plane and go somewhere. Somewhere new.

The closer we get to Monday, the more I’m going to get into holiday mode.

I’m absolutely exhausted by the way due a late night watching the World Cup and an early (and long) day of doing work. One of my clients made me redo a huge piece of work, which was wonderful. Very chuffed about that. Bitch.

With that, I’m going to leave you because the other World Cup semi final is about the begin and I can barely keep my eyes open to type these words so I don’t know how I’m going to stay awake for another 2 hours.

We’ll see.

Take care.

N x

The post that’s created a playlist

Hi again

I just want to direct your attention to a new page on this blog –

I’m going to be adding some beautiful music tracks to this page that I’d like to share with you.

I have so much music that I never hear playing anywhere else but whenever I tell people about these songs, they love them so I’d like to do the same here.

There’s only one song up there at the moment but it is just magnificent and highly emotive.

Okay, that’s all.

Have a good one.

N x

The post that had an awkward moment

It’s an annoying question. Well, not the question itself but what the question represents and the assumption it comes along with.

Who are you going with?

Maybe it’s a generational thing, I don’t know.

When it came up in conversation with my Dad today that I was going on holiday next week, that same old question cropped up.

I hate that question. My answer to this question is almost always:

No one.

But that’s not the reason I hate it. Even when I went away for a weekend break with my ex girlfriend, I hated this question. Why does it matter who I’m going with? Does it make any difference if I’m going alone?

I often get sympathy filled responses, or tilted heads looking sorry for me as if to say, “oh well, that’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with that!” I know! Who said there was??!!

When I am able to say I’m going away with friends or with a girlfriend, it’s not like I jump for joy at being able to answer this question with a response other than “no one”.

It’s like I feel under pressure when the question is asked. If you want to know who I’m going with then at least phrase it differently. If I was going with someone else, I would tell you, okay? Obviously.

So, today when I answered my Dad and said “no one”, there was a pause and then an “uh huh”, but I can tell he’s disappointed, and can’t understand what they hell is wrong with me. He doesn’t understand and he never will.

I’m convinced he sees travelling solo as  a sad, depressing, lonely existence and just as something that only people do who have failed at life and human interaction.

I’ve been on loads of solo trips, some lasting months, others just a couple days. I’m used to it now. I’m used to eating alone. Being that guy standing alone at the bar. It’s not always like that, of course, but sometimes you get times like that as a solo traveller.

But people don’t get it. I know a girl, 27-years-old, never left the country on her own. If would be massively hypocritical of me to have a dig at her for that, but I couldn’t live like that.

She can only go on holiday if her Mum(!) agrees to go with her, or she can persuade a friend or two to tag along. I couldn’t live a life of such restriction, especially when it comes to travel.

But, just as people look at me funny when I answer that question with “no one”, I’d want to do the same if someone replied with “anyone I can persuade to come”.

I suppose it could be that I’m being too overly sensitive about this and that it’s my own problem. Maybe it’s a normal question to ask.

Or maybe, just maybe, it touches a nerve because for the billionth time, I’m having to say those two little words again and then think of a way to fill that awkward silence that follows.

N x

The post that could leave

I don’t know what to do with myself today.

I feel quite restless and just… well… bored. I shouldn’t be, really. But I am. You know when you’ve got things to do but you just cannot be bothered to do them?

Yeah. That.

I got massively distracted all morning by researching what it would be like to move to Malta. I’m going there on holiday for a week next Monday and just thought I’d research it. Half for fun, half seriously.

Sometimes I honestly don’t know what I’m doing here with my life in London. I talked (I think) in previous posts about searching for a purpose, a meaning, having a goal, an aim, something to work towards, and how I don’t have any kind of goals at the moment.

And without a purpose, no wonder I lack motivation. Would a change of scene make any difference? There’s a school of thought that it wouldn’t and that your problems just follow you wherever you go until you deal with them.

So, although the idea of leaving the UK and living in a warmer, sunnier climate is an attractive one, I do wonder if it would actually make any difference in terms of happiness and being content.

Sadly, I suspect it wouldn’t. But I have been wrong before.

I moved to London because I like the big city, the hustle, the bustle, the different people, the sights, the sounds. But, much like my morning commute, I am growing a little tired of all that.

And now I’m tired of hearing screaming kids in the street, the insanely busy high street where it’s impossible to shop without people barging into you, police sirens wailing at every hour of the day.

I’ve been here 2 and a half years now, so maybe it’s natural for those things to start to get annoying. That’s probably not a reason to up sticks and leave though, is it?

I bet these things wouldn’t annoy me half as much if I was occupied enough not to let it. I know in my heart of hearts that I will probably not be going anywhere any time soon. But it’s nice to know that I could if I wanted to.

I just keep coming back to this thing that everyone I know has found what they’re looking for in life, in their career, in love and everything else you can think of, while I am still just stumbling about aimlessly in the dark.

I want what they’ve got. I just don’t know if I’m in the right place to find it. Or if there is a right/wrong place.

I’ll leave it there for today. Enjoy your Sunday!

N x