I think I might be really boring.
Like, really fucking boring.
I don’t actually do anything. Does anyone else actually do anything?
I think at least part of the reason I ditched Facebook was because I was sick of seeing people who were doing things all the time and seemingly having the time of their lives every single day.
I went on an 8-month round the world trip with four friends in 2008-2009 and when I got back I had a really difficult time readjusting to reality. The norm. So much so that I was only back for 6 months before I went away travelling again for five months.
The comedown from such a life changing experience was one I found incredibly difficult to accept. How was I supposed to go back to a normal life after seeing what I’d seen and doing what I’d done.
A lyric from the song “Sit Down” by James captures this feeling perfectly:
If I hadn’t seen such riches, I could live with being poor.
After reaching such a high, and that trip was amazing in every way possible, how can I carry on purposefully safe in the knowledge that life won’t ever be as good as that again?
I’ve experienced those riches, and now I have to live with being poor.
So to try to cope, I travel. I go on trips. By myself. I’ve been to 34 countries but it’s not helping me. I’m not getting what I want. It’s not giving me what I want.
But it’s all I have. It’s all I know.
I keep repeating the same action thinking that some day, one day, I will be able to reach those heights again. But it hasn’t happened yet. And maybe it never will.
I’ve been playing the game all wrong.
I sit at home all day working (or trying to work) then I sit at home all evening watching TV shows or football or doing anything to get the hours to pass as quickly as possible.
Because if I can get those hours to pass then I can go to bed where there’s no feeling that I could be doing something else. Then I get up the next day and do it all again.
Five days a week. Just wasting hours. Wasting life. I’m delighted when the time goes quickly during the day because it means tomorrow is not far off, which means the weekend is a bit closer. A weekend in which I will invariably do nothing.
Buy food. Watch football. Eat. Watch a TV show. Sleep. You’ve got to ask yourself, what’s the point in that?
Sure, I might meet up with a friend or two once or twice every month or two. But they’re all busy doing their own thing. Being married. Looking after their kids. Paying their mortgages. Saving up for, and going on, their romantic getaways.
I’ve been doing it all wrong though.
Rather than finding meaningful things to do a few times per week, I’ve been doing nothing. Then a few times per year, I’ve been taking trips. Sudden, concentrated binges of action in the belief (hope?) that I will be able to recapture the good times.
But these trips aren’t good for me because of the vast gulf of time that exists in between them.
I think it is better is to have things to do frequently, not major things, just little things.
I’ve been finding my work incredibly boring for the last week or so. I find myself typing away thinking, my God, I feel like if I have to type another word of this meaningless bullshit, then I’m going to put a bullet in my head.
Maybe a ‘little and often’ approach would make work slightly less boring and I could actually summon the motivation to do it.
With that in mind, today, I booked myself to attend a two and half hour badminton session with 8 other strangers at a local(ish) meetup group.
I used to go to one over a year and half ago but then stopped due to a few injuries. They’ve all cleared up now. In fact, they’ve been all cleared up for a while I just couldn’t be bothered to start playing again.
So, the session is tomorrow night and I’m hoping I haven’t forgotten how to be normal around people I don’t know due to the amount of time I spend alone.
I won’t be able to afford play every week but it’d be nice if I could make it a semi-regular thing. Once a every 3 or 4 weeks or something.
Right, I’m off to while away the time until I can go to sleep.
Hope you’re well.