I read something the other day. It was a statement asking me to do something. It was this:
Picture what you want.
I couldn’t do it.
I couldn’t picture what I wanted. I sat there thinking and thinking, my mind going increasingly into overdrive and then into a state of panic at the realisation that I don’t know what I want.
It wasn’t a question limited to anything. This wasn’t a menu in a restaurant. It was referring to life in general and just asking me to picture something in life that I wanted.
My mind went blank.
That’s not normal, is it?
Why didn’t I instantly say a mansion? Or a car? Or a million pounds? Or, I don’t know, a cat?
It’s because I don’t have a clue what I want.
Yesterday was good, I went to the football, met up with some friends afterwards, went out for pizza with them, then for a few drinks. It was fun.
But this morning, I woke up, had a shower, had breakfast and then just sat on my bed. Staring. Thinking. What now? I’ve got a whole Sunday ahead of me.
The sun is shining, it’s very warm for the time of year and I should be making the most of this.
But instead I’m just drifting along. Existing. Not living. And it’s because I’m not happy here.
I’m not happy with my life.
I’m alone. My close friends are busy with their partners and their babies and their christenings, and the in-law visits and whatever else it is they get up to.
And I’m wasting time. Wasting my life. Wasting the final few months of my twenties.
There comes a point where you have to ask yourself, what is the point in what I am doing?
I’ve said before about having a goal, having an end game. Without one, you end up in a meaningless state of purgatory – much like I’m in now.
I heard something the other day that struck a chord with me:
You need three things to have a good life. One, a meaningful relationship. Two, a decent job of work. And three, to make a difference.
I think there’s a lot of truth to that. I want them all.
Something else I came across while studying psychology at university, was Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. It looks like this:
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
The things at the bottom are the most vital and you build up from there. Suffice to say, I’m lacking on various things throughout the hierarchy.
So, if we take it that their is some truth and substance to this and the aforementioned quote, I’m in trouble.
I am going somewhere with this post, believe me.
As a helpless travel addict, I have recently found myself looking at going on a trip for up to 10-12 days as part of group tour. Sure, these are far more expensive, but you get well looked after, and you get the camaraderie that come with travelling with a group of, say, 10 other like minded people.
And for someone who wants to try something different to solo travel, it’s a natural alternative.
So, I looked at India and the time needed and the money needed and the highly limited and very specific date restrictions imposed. And I thought back to that question about what I really want.
Do I really want to spend that much time and money on India? And the answer was no. It’s not at the top of my priority list if I’m being honest.
So then my attention turned to South America. Now, this is a part of the world I’ve adored since first setting foot in Mexico in January 2007 and returning to in 2009/2010.
Again, just as with India, there were the same issues with date restrictions and highly inflated costs for such a short period of time.
And then what happens afterwards? You return home after 14 days and have to spend another 9 months saving for another trip. I don’t like this idea one little bit.
You see, it was always my ambition to see South America all at once. As part of one big trip rather than a little bit here for a couple of week, and then a little bit there for a couple of weeks, spending £600 on flight every time. I always thought it’d be better, and more economical, to knock it out in one big hit of maybe six or seven months.
There are probably tours in which you can do that, but not in the mould that I’m after.
So, hang on a minute. What happened to that dream?
Dare I say it, is that now a possibility? Could I go to South America for half a year?
Let’s examine my situation:
I have a job that would allow me to disappear for, let’s say, 6 months, and return to it afterwards.
I could actually work, in theory, from anywhere as long as I have my laptop and the internet.
I am basically unhappy with my current life situation in general.
I finally have enough money in the bank to fund a trip of several months and within a few more months this will be even more solid.
And here’s the big one: I have nothing to stay here for. Not a person, not a job, not any significant attachment.
So, now I have a big decision to make. One that will certainly alter my path for the rest of my life, and I don’t say that lightly.
I need to do some thinking over the next few days with both my head and my heart.
I need to think about practicalities, life ambitions and I need to be sure that any decision I make is for the right reasons.
I can’t emphasise that last point enough.
I just don’t know if I can handle my current level of existence and stagnation any more. I need to do something with my life now.
Just like everyone else.
I don’t know if I’ll have made a decision by the next time I blog.
But anyway, I’ll see you on the other side.